Balancing the Desire for Spontaneous Intimacy Whilst Seeking a Meaningful Relationship

Being a gay man in my late 40s, my life has involved numerous, mostly enjoyable years pursuing casual sex with other men from my teenage years. During my fourth decade, I had a serious relationship which continued for a significant period, but I never felt completely content, in that I didn't experience love or sexually nourished. Truthfully, I have always craved uncommitted intimacy. Whenever I begin seeing any man, when the initial excitement dwindles, an impulse arises to be intimate with new partners once more.

Reflecting on the Possibility of Monogamy

Currently, I'm contemplating if I’ll ever be able to maintain a monogamous relationship. I understand that many gay men have non-monogamous arrangements, but when I’ve witnessed them, they appear like hard work, often resulting in lots of heartache and envy for everyone involved. To a large extent, I desire a partner to love me while letting me pursue other intimacies, however I dread to imagine the psychological toll this might create. Is it best to keep having spontaneous encounters and acknowledge that a lasting partnership is not possible? I’m feeling somewhat confused.

Every person’s sexual journey varies. Try not to think about what you require in partnerships or your capacity to tolerate various forms of sexual unions in a finite way. What you need as you are experiencing them now could easily shift down the road; at a certain time you might become less ambivalent and discover greater understanding and a comfortable path … or not. One day you could encounter someone offering a life-changing chance for you by reflecting your desires in a holistic fashion … and later on you may choose that non-committal encounters suit you best. Fretting over the future and engaging in endless speculation is merely anxiety-based and a waste of your efforts. Aim to stay present with your partners, and recognize the value of every individual you connect with intimately a sexual connection. If and when the time is right to deepen true intimacy with a single person, you will know.

• Pamela Stephenson Connolly practices as a US-based therapy professional who specialises in treating intimacy issues.